This post is dedicated to everyone who ever hoped that a photo shoot with a skilled photographer would make them feel beautiful once and for all.
Specifically, this is for people like me: I hoped that I would look like a sultry and inspired art diva but alas my worst fears were confirmed because I look more like a cartoon weasel.
Duke Weaselton to be specific. I have never watched this movie. I simply googled “cartoon weasel with bulgy eyes” and easily found one that looked exactly like me explaining my visual art.
The whole experience reminds me of the baking show “Nailed It” which is a beautiful homage to the human descent from aesthetic ambition to abject failure. It’s just a lot of home bakers trying to make impossibly perfect desserts they have never attempted before.
Which is what I did. I tried to take the most beautiful, iconic images and I don’t even regularly take selfies. I don’t know how to arrange my facial features to look pleasing. I do have a lot to say though. And apparently flexing all of my facial muscles at the same time gives me the feeling that I am really expressing something succinctly.
I then made the double mistake of showing these pictures to some friends. And they weren’t really any more sensitive than the judges on “Nailed It” who delight in reminding the home bakers of how far they’ve fallen from the goal.
My first friend texted me: “You look like an adjunct art history professor at a community college.” Ouch. The second friend said: “You look like you’re teaching children about cartoons.” Ouch. Remember I was going for Frida Kahlo.
It’s ok though. I can’t honestly say that I mind the failure. The gap between what I wanted to look like and what I am reveals a lot. Maybe I will take my sister’s advice and really lean into the “Duke Weaselton” in me, like every time on the third date I resolve so hard to be nice and meek and I can’t help it I just end up Duke Weaseltoning all over again.